Rain

"Hurry up - the things gonna start again." I told Phoebe.

Then all of a sudden she gave me a kiss. Then she held her hand out, and said, "It's raining. It's starting to rain." Then what she did - it damn near killed me -she reached out my red hunting hat and put it on my head.

"Don't you want it?" I said.

"You can wear it a while."

"Okay. Hurry up, though, now. You're gonna miss your ride. You won't get your own horse or anything."

I felt so damn happy all of a sudden, the way old Phoebe kept going around and around. I was damn near bawling, I felt so damn happy, if you want to know the truth. I don't know why.

I must be a madman, being all lonely as hell at first and then being so goddamn happy next. It was just Phoebe looked so nice in her blue coat and all. And I was feeling just happy, like everything finally had its place. Sure it wasn't perfect, but at that moment it was. I could've stayed frozen in that moment forever and I'd be happy.

Guaranteed

On bended knee is no way to be free
Lifting up an empty cup, I ask silently
All my destinations will accept the one that's me
So I can breathe...

Circles they grow and they swallow people whole
Half their lives they say goodnight to wives they'll never know
A mind full of questions, and a teacher in my soul
And so it goes...

Don't come closer or I'll have to go
Holding me like gravity are places that pull
If ever there was someone to keep me at home
It would be you...

Everyone I come across, in cages they bought
They think of me and my wandering, but I'm never what they thought
I've got my indignation, but I'm pure in all my thoughts
I'm alive...

Wind in my hair, I feel part of everywhere
Underneath my being is a road that disappeared
Late at night I hear the trees, they're singing with the dead
Overhead...

Leave it to me as I find a way to be
Consider me a satellite, forever orbiting
I knew all the rules, but the rules did not know me
Guaranteed

This song makes me feel lonely as hell, but at the same time confirms my loneliness. So that I won't be afraid of it anymore. I know I'm lonely but now I know I was meant to be lonely.

A special kind of fall

"All right. Listen to me a minute now.... I may not word this as memorably as I'd like to, but I'll write you a letter about it in a day or two. Then you can get it all straight. But listen now, anyway." Mr. Antolini said. "This fall I think you're riding for - it's a special kind of fall, a horrible kind. The man falling isn't permitted to feel or hear himself hit bottom. He just keeps falling and falling. The whole arrangement's designed for men who, at some time or other in their lives, were looking for something their own environment couldn't supply them with. Or they thought their own environment couldn't supply them with. So they gave up looking. They gave it up before they ever really got started."

Damn that's depressive. But I could see that happening to me. I know there's something missing in my life. Something I've always looked for but could never find. I've tried to look everywhere, I've tried to talk to people. But all I get out of it is feeling lonely as hell. And all I want to do is leave society for good and just live in the woods where I don't have to see anyone anymore.

$8.85

"Here," old Phoebe said. She was trying to give me the dough, but she couldn't find my hand in the dark.

Eight dollars and eight-five cents.

Then all of a sudden, I started to cry. I couldn't help it. I did it so nobody could hear me, but I did it. It scared the hell out of old Phoebe when I started doing it, and she came over and tried to make me stop, but once you get started, you can't just stop on a goddamn dime.

Boy, I scared the hell out of poor old Phoebe. The damn window was open and everything.

It was a helluva lot easier getting out of the house than it was getting in, for some reason. For one thing, I didn't give much of a damn anymore if they caught me. I really didn't. I figured if they caught me, they caught me. I almost wished they did, in a way.

Then I wouldn't have to deal with all this planning and looking for where the hell to go. At least I'd be with my parents and Phoebe and I'd have a roof over my head. But no one stopped me, and I was getting all depressed when I walked out that door, back into the cold lonely as hell night.

Chewing the fat

"Anyway, I like it now," I said. "I mean right now. Sitting here with you and just chewing the fat and horsing-"

"That isn't anything really!" Old Phoebe said.

She was trying to ask me what kinds of things I liked. But why can't someone just like sitting down and chewing the fat like I was. There's nothing wrong with just sitting around. In fact, I'd much rather do that than go out and watch a damn movie in the theatres or talk about phony things like movie stars and Corvettes.

I just like talking sometimes. Sitting and talking and chewing the fat.

People

People never give your message to anybody.

I told a waiter to go invite old Valencia for a drink with me, but I bet you he didn't even give think twice about it. He said yes and all, but he probably couldn't care less.

People never have any time for other people. And when they have to listen, they pretend to be interested but all they're really thinking about is what they wanna say after the other person shuts up. No one cares about anything enough.

Here's my idea, I said

It was during the date I had with Sally when I suddenly got this idea.

"Look," I said. "Here's my idea. How would you like to get the hell out of here? What we could do is, tomorrow morning we could drive up to Massachusetts and Vermont,and all around there, see. It's beautiful as hell up there. It really is." I was getting excited as hell, the more I thought of it. "We'll stay in these cabin camps and stuff like that till the dough runs out. Then, when the dough runs out, I could get a job somewhere and we could live somewhere with a brook and all and, later on, we could get married or something. I could chop all of our own wood in the wintertime and all, Honest to God, we could have a terrific time! Wudaya say?"

She didn't take it too well, but I still kept at it. But then things started heating up and by the

time I got too excited, Sally was getting sore as hell, and we both

hated each others guts by that time.

But the funny thing was, I meant it when I asked her. Every word of it. I could just see the whole thing, living all alone with her in the woods with nothing but the sunset and trees and a creek. No more phonies, no more Ackleys or goddamn Stradlaters. I swear I could die a happy man living a life like that.